What a privilege it has been, to be here in the Green room on awards evening with the DFLA.

As you will know, we recently held the DFLA “Wrong ‘un” of the year award.

The competition was pretty stiff this year with wrong uns all over the place, but it soon became clear that Owen Jones and Sadiq Khan were much in the lead until Jones reminded everyone just how much of a wrong ‘un he was.

Earlier I spoke to Jeremy Corbyn and asked him how he felt considering he had not even been in the running for an award being down in 5th:
“To be fair Mike,” he began, “I really thought I would have this sewn up. I worked hard for it, turning a blind eye to child pornography being filmed in my constituency was going to be a blinder I thought. “
I advised Jeremy that this was before 2018. “I think I let Diane organise my calendar! “ Was his reply.
I asked Jeremy if he would be bouncing back for this year or what plans he may have.
“Well, I think I need to play more upon the racist angle, be a bastard toward Jews and more friendly toward Hamas. I could also become more friendly with Weyman Bennett donate money to PIE again or to my mate Paul Eissen, he says the holocaust never happened you know. Can’t say much more though, don’t want to reveal too much, you never know who may be listening!”

I was on my way to speak with Diane Abbot but was quickly interrupted by a keen conversationalist, Sadiq Khan.
“So Mayor, what do you think of the evening?” I had to ask.
“Well, I think that you missed out on a great opportunity there!” he exclaimed. I asked him to expand further, “Well think about it, I could have used it to get myself some sympathy votes and have journalists looking at me adoringly, like cows dying in a rainstorm!”
I advised the mayor of the meaning of the votes. “Well, you know. Look how many people have died on my watch, look at the increase in rape, in acid, in violent crimes. Not even the London population are talking about me anymore, what more can I do to get recognised? See, if I had been voted as wrong un of the year I could have used that, played on the racist angle and all that, but now?
Look what you’ve done, you are meant to be racist! You had me and Diane to vote for, but you voted for a white guy! How racist are you exactly?”

I advise the mayor that we are not racist and no one was voting for the colour of skin as this did not denote if someone was a wrong ‘un or not.

“Yes but Mike, if you look at it from my point of view, all through this I have played on my Islamic identity. In the run up to my election I could advise people how awesome it would be if they voted for a Muslim, I advised people that they would not be racist if they voted for me, I also reminded them how far England would have advanced if they voted in a Muslim mayor. Indeed: every time I got low in opinion polls I could draw on racist tweets to get people feeling sorry for me, I could play them like Elton John playing a piano. You have robbed me of a golden opportunity, you did this deliberately, you deprived ME the right to guilt trip people and I will be seeing my solicitors to rid London of your scourge once and for all!”

He ran off to the fire Exit.

No expense has been spared by the DFLA for this stunning and Glitzy award Ceremony and we now go over to Mike Flex and his vote-O-meter.

Yeah, thanks for that Mike.

Well, the public certainly pulled out all the stops in this first year of the DFLA wrong un of the year awards. Indeed it was an honour to have Diane Abbott working alongside us in counting the votes. Diane, how many people voted in total?
“Well Mike I counted a lot of times and there were more than Twelfty votes”!
Thank you Daine, your input has been staggering.
We did have a display in the form of a pie chart, unfortunately Diane went at the pie chart like a Grizzly bear going for a salmon in shallow stream.
So we have to cut this part short and head to our roving reporter Anna Daptor.

Thanks Mike, Anna Daptor here with actual stunning news in the form of news that there are demands for a Second vote!
There have been claims that people did not know what they were voting for.
I have a just received an email from a Mr. Khan Sad who claims, “Those people who voted did not know what they were voting for. I thought we were all racist, how can we be racist but vote for a white man to be first?”
Another e-mail just in from a Mr. K Mayor stating, “I agree with Mr. Khaniq Sad, we cannot be racist if we have all voted for a white man to be a wrong un! Second vote now!”

Another Email from a Mr Khan Samayor says, “Mr K Mayor and Khaniq Sad are quite right. We will lose our reputation for real racists if we only vote for white people.”
Sadiq Khan, as Mayor of London and someone who was not doing bad in the polls, what have you to say to these remarkable allegations?
“Well Anna, I think it cannot be any more clear. People did not know what they were voting for, it was not fully explained to them what a wrong un was or that it should not be a white person!

That is a bit of a wrong statement to make Mayor Khan, surely the people knew who and what they were voting for?”

“I mayor Khan tell you now, we were told to vote for wrong un of the year, it was not explained to us enough that we are racist and should not vote for white people, only people of colour! “

But Mr. Kahn, the DFLA are not racist. The fact they did not vote you or Diane Abbott as wrong un of the year shows they were not considering skin colour, just how much a complete idiot people were throughout the year?

“Exactly! Who will now believe my lies, and lies of the left that the DFLA are racist? No one! You have ruined my election campaign now, I can’t even use the race card! . This has not gone so well for me. I only have electoral fraud now, how am I meant to use the race card when the results show you are not racist? You have turned me into nothing more than an unimportant concentration of atoms, or worse still, Vince Cable!
Bloody uncle Toms!”

MR Khan all these emails have come from the same email address, have you sent all these….. Mr. Khan?

Well, what a night it has been here at the DFLA awards, we have been accused of not giving people enough information on what they were voting for, we have been accused of not being racist enough and living up to our media image enough to warrant the racist label.

Rest assured, Owen Jones will be fighting harder than before to retain the title next year and you can guarantee that Jeremy Corbyn will be doing everything in his power, even taking performance enhancing drugs to up his game.

Will the DFLA bring in Random drugs tests for all entrants, tighter controls on voting and e-mail correspondence and tighter explanations on the voting curriculum in order to ensure a complaint free, smoother and fairer vote?

One thing for sure, next year’s competition will be more ferocious than this year.

“ok over to Mike who is speaking to serial bullshiter RMTs Steve Headley”

“So Mr Headley how do you feel? does this remind you of losing out on the vote to become head of the RMT”?

“Its was a stitch up! the RMT members who didn’t vote for me were Nazis! Infact it was the DFLAs fault”
“but Steve that happened before the DFLA was formed”

“Rubbish! the DFLA was formed in 1939 by Phil Hitler!”

Moving on “so Dr. Louise Raw how do you feel coming second from last?”

“ah hmmf ow argh!”

“Steve, could you please loosen your grip from around the Dr’s neck”?

“I never touched her, she’s making it up, just like her articles on history”

“but Steve she’s going blue”

“Hey, Mr Rochdale councillor can you see what Steve is doing to the Dr”?

“nope I haven’t seen anything”

“chief inspector Cressida Dick can you arrest Steve please”!

“well I can see he is completely guilty but we just haven’t got the man power to deal with it and the lord chief justice has said they won’t release Steve’s identity, so you can appeal as much as you want but you’ll never hear the truth and he’ll probably get off on a technicality”

“But Steve has now got the Dr in a headlock”!

“Mr. Sillet can you help? please!”

“I don’t give a stuff about child grooming!”


“she needs taking outside and shooting” shouted Weyman Bennett from the other side of the green room who’s face was screwed up due to the strong smell of ammonia from the piss stained trousers of Dipu Ahmad sporting his new t-shirt with the wrong’uns are coming scrawled across it standing next to him.

At last the Dr broke free and fell into the arms of the Combat stress candidate but he soon let her go and walked off,

the sky news and independent reporter rushed over to the now bruised and battered Dr who was in a state of shock and wrapped her in a Palestinian flag that Yasmin Alhibhai-Brown was wearing,
then BBC film crew rushed other
“we are live from the Gazza strip where Dr. Raw has just been attacked by far-right DFLA members doing Nazi salutes”..

Theresa was now making a move on Jeremy in the corner,

“come on Jezza you know you want to come back to no 10 and have a coffee”

“nope I’m not getting involved, you had your chance 2 years ago” he whispered in her ear.

“I’m struggling to hear you back in the studio as the Mayor of Sheffield Magid Magid is singing the national anthem at the top of his voice while runing away from two detectives from the hunted TV show in his Dr marten’s”

“ok guys that’s it from us in the green room back to you in the studio where i believe Owen is about to give his acceptance speech.

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Welcome back to the studio, unfortunately Owen couldn’t be here tonight but he has sent this message:


The reasons I cannot be with you to accept my much valued , “Wrong ‘un of the year” award, have nothing to do with the rumours of me being arrested in the fountains of Trafalgar Square with a Koi carp stuck head first in my rectum. I would also like to advise that at this point I was not asked what the hell was I thinking and I definitely did not stick my arse out of the water and advise police I was a mermaid.

Many people will ask me how I became so spoilt and delusional. Many will ask how it is that I, with my privileged background, could write a book about the demonisation of the working class and how unfair society are to them, yet insult and call the DFLA, the working class, racist for protesting against rape.

Well, you can be as successful as me if you can adopt the personality of a greasy octopus covered in baby oil.

Let me give you a shining example of a few triumphs.

If you can cast your memory back when those pesky Jews began complaining about racism in the Labour Party?

What did I do?

I made a bold statement saying that Labour should take anti-semitism more seriously.

When my friend Jackie Walker was accused of anti-semitism, saying Jews had financed the Sugar and slave trade and that all the allegations of anti-semitism were merely made to undermine Corbyn I came to her defence and demanded she be reinstated to the party!

See, saying one thing one day, then acting totally the opposite the next, it confounds my enemies and makes my friends love me. Yes I am hypocritical, but being a hypocrite has paid off, it’s not you Khan with you Mayoral Sponsored stabbing that is wrong ‘un of the year. It is not you BBC, even though you get funding from EU and run a pro EU campaign to remain who are wrong enough!
Nor is it you Dim Diane, with your inability to do math or speak beyond the level of a half-witted hamster that gets wrong ‘un of the year.

It is me, me with my claims that SUTR are a front for SWP then joining SUTR.
It is me, my accusations that Russia is wrong for trying to influence the Americans in voting for Trump, but then I try and influence Americans not to vote for Trump.

In your face losers!

I want to thank no one but myself for this! Such sheer hypocrisy, such incredulous levels of wrongness can only come from a genius, a genius of uncompromising immorality and blindness to hypocrisy.

I make Caligula look honourable.

I will advise though, the next time I have an orgasm I will be thinking of my pals at FLAF. I have done it before, when my chocolate starfish is acting like Diane Abbott at an all you can eat sausage buffet.

But finally I’d like to thank the Guardian for giving me the platform to peddle all the bullshit and lies but most of all I want to dedicate this award to Momentum as none of this would have been possible for all of us wrong’uns, without their support and funding.

Thank you and no parasan ✊.